When I read Brooklyn Beckham’s recent Instagram statements, in which he spoke about his strained relationship with parents David and Victoria Beckham, I felt a flicker of recognition.
I’m finally at a place in life where talking about having no contact with either of my parents doesn’t send me straight into a blubbering mess. I’m no longer kept awake at night wondering why life dealt me a bad hand and why I was undeserving of a picture-perfect family dynamic.
Growing up, I always knew my family structure was different from that of many of my friends. To my knowledge, my parents weren’t together when I was born, and they never married. I didn’t have to see my parents go through a painful divorce or watch as one parent moved out of the family home. I grew up with my mum and my two sisters; an all-female household was all I knew.
I had a dad who knew of my existence, but for reasons I’ll never understand, our encounters were few and far between. I remember the handful of times I got to see my dad, including a stint when I was seven years old, when he moved in for a few weeks to look after my sisters and me while my mum travelled up the country for work.
I couldn’t possibly tell you what we talked about, let alone his hobbies or his birthday. While I don’t remember much from that time, I do remember feeling like I was living with a stranger. I knew he was my dad, but going from infrequent meet-ups to living with him was a huge adjustment. It felt like he chose when, and if, he wanted to be a dad, but ultimately decided against it. The last time I remember seeing him, I was 12.
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We spoke twice during the pandemic, when the fear of what felt like the world coming to an end made me reach out. Ultimately, I decided it wasn’t a relationship I wanted to revive. Now, at almost 31, I’ve been alive far longer than I’ve had interactions with him.
With my mum, it was different. I lived with her right up until I left for university at 19, and from the moment I stepped out of that door, I vowed I’d never put myself in that environment again. I promised myself that even once uni was over, I’d find a way to never have to move back home.
While I won’t be sharing the ins and outs of our relationship, just know that I tried really hard with my mum until I couldn’t try anymore. I’m sure her view of our situation differs from mine, but in a nutshell, our dynamic felt nothing like a mother-daughter duo. Boundaries don’t exist with her. I always felt it was her way or nothing.
In 2020, after suffering a panic attack that I genuinely thought would end me, and spending months with deteriorating mental health, I decided I no longer wanted contact with my mum. I woke up one day and realised it wasn’t a relationship I wanted to maintain any longer, and it wasn’t fair on me. That’s when I realised that no matter how many times I heard “But I’m your mum”, it didn’t mean she could treat me in a way I didn’t deserve, or ignore the boundaries I tried to set.
“I missed my dad – the version of him I'd known and loved my whole life.”
Something strange began to happen after that moment. On a handful of occasions, while talking with strangers, or even people I knew, I’d mention that I don’t speak to my mum and be met with some version of, “But that’s your mum. Life is short. You’ll regret it.”
I still remember being in a session with my therapist at the time, recounting traumatic experiences involving my mum and explaining just how bad our relationship made me feel. Then my therapist interjected with, “But she made sure dinner was cooked when you got home from school, so she must have been a good mother”, a conversation that still haunts me to this day.
Of course, I’m lucky to have had a hot meal waiting at home, but the Caribbean classics she cooked for dinner, and the occasional takeaway we had as a family, in no way minimise the trauma I was put through.
In his Instagram statement, Brookyln said, “I do not want to reconcile with my family. I'm not being controlled, I'm standing up for myself for the first time in my life.”
He added, “I grew up with overwhelming anxiety. For the first time in my life, since stepping away from my family, that anxiety has disappeared. I wake up every morning grateful for the life I chose, and have found peace and relief.”
While my family affairs aren’t as public as the Beckhams’, the backlash Brooklyn received still struck a nerve. Comments like “His poor parents, they don’t deserve this”, “He’ll regret this in a few years”, and “Who cares, they’re all rich” gloss over his mental health and prioritise his parents simply because they’re his parents, as if that alone is reason enough.
“Psychological and religious teachings have for many years told us that forgiveness is essential in all situations,” says Psychologist Dr Candice O’Neil, when I asked her why there seems to be so much societal pressure to forgive toxic parents, or parents who don’t treat us the way we’d expect. “There’s an assumption that those who can forgive and don’t hold grudges are kinder and more understanding than those who don’t forgive so easily.”
When it comes to setting boundaries with people who tell us to forgive and reconcile with toxic parents simply because they’re our parents, O’Neil says, “This is a common dilemma in therapy that I see regularly. As an individual, you’re attuned to your authentic feelings about toxic family members and the life you want to curate.”
No matter how you grew up, whether you came from a wealthy or non-wealthy household, a two-parent home or a single-parent one, whether you had home-cooked meals or family holidays, it doesn’t mean stories like mine should be discredited. It also doesn’t mean they should be met with defensiveness, or someone playing devil’s advocate, simply because “They’re your parents”. None of that lessens my feelings or what I’ve personally been through.
Society loves to make us believe our parents are deserving of forgiveness, even if it comes at the expense of our mental health, but it’s a narrative I can’t get on board with. I couldn’t be more confident in the decision I’ve made, and I’m sure Brooklyn Beckham feels the same.
So going forward, I no longer want to pander to those who question my life choices regarding my own parents. Ultimately, I know I wouldn’t have had to put these boundaries in place if I hadn’t needed to protect myself.
To anyone else in a similar situation, always do what’s best for you, no matter what others may say. We get one life, and it deserves peace and mutual respect.
Their eldest son spoke out on social media.
